MizaT11

Oof, wow. I hadn't noticed it's been over a year since I lasted posted anything. I've seen many people go on long hiatuses, seemingly gone for indefinite periods of time with no sign of life. I never thought I'd ever come to that point. But alas, life gets to every single one of us eventually.
I've still been around, just lurking and every once in a while dropping a comment or two. In all honesty this website just isn't what it was back when the Httyd fandom was in it's prime, and I really didn't feel like I was getting much out of posting artwork here. I hardly got any views, comments, or even feedback. Most of my old friends had either left or drifted away. So I silently moved to Instagram, where I've been posting my last few drawings. It's a nice community there, definitely far more active so I found more value and enjoyment there. Not a big fan of the layout but eh, dA itself looks pretty outdated and is a pain to navigate.
As for myself, well... I'm doing much better with my depression actually, and I can say I've mostly overcome it at this point. I've continued going to therapy since January last year, and by now have even begun withdrawing from my medication.

I haven't really done too much. I got a job a few months back. I quit after a week due to how horrible the working conditions were. I haven't found another job since.
Last year I didn't sign up for school, and for the last two months I heavily considered doing so this time around. However, perhaps Counterintuitively, I've decided against it, this time willingly (last year was hesitance, and I ran out of time. The year before, I was supposed to move in with my sisters, but those plans were scrapped at the last minute)
These past few months I've found myself heavily addicted to 3D modelling and have been privately doing personal projects. I might post some of it some day, but I finally feel like I might be going somewhere. I've very quickly picked up Blender and find it easy to understand and fun to use, and thus my decision to not go to school and instead be self-taught for a number of reasons: School is too expensive, and when it comes to art careers, you're often better off just learning on your own, as a degree isn't mandatory in that many places. Your portfolio is what matters most, not your University or if you even studied at all. And nowadays, everything you need is on the internet, including much cheaper courses offered by professionals. And also, the only university nearby that offers a career in 3D/animation doesn't seem all too convincing after extensive research into it.
So it's a rather bold risk I've taken, and I'm setting myself a challenge to have enough experience and knowledge within a year to essentially render school redundant/unnecesary. Still planning out a roadmap or personal "curriculum" to follow.
Sooo yeah. I still have some down periods, and I definitely have an issue avoiding certain responsibilities such as a job. But for the first time in my life, I actually feel alright with myself, and confident that I can do anything. My self esteem has really taken a turn for the better, and it's honestly just so refreshing. Rather than worrying excessively about the future, I'm just living life one day at a time and working on short/medium term goals.

-----------------

And on a separate topic... HTTYD3 has come and gone. It's mind boggling that it's been 9 years since the first movie's release. And here I am, now 20. It's had such a great impact on my life and without a doubt defines my childhood/teenage years.

However... I did not like The hidden world at all. In fact, it's quite honestly the single biggest letdown and disappointment I've ever experienced. I absolutely despise the movie for what it did to the characters, and just how God awful and poorly thought out the story is, relying so much on visual spectacle, cheap drama and emotional moments to otherwise mask it's insanely flawed story. It reeks of studio intervention everywhere. The characters seriously deserved a much better send-off.
I'm in the minority however, as most people seem to like it. For the past few months, I've been devasted. I can't get over the rage and frustration. And honestly... It's soured my feelings towards the rest of the franchise. I just can't view it the same anymore. While I still look back and think fondly of it, I also can't avoid the despair.
It's had such a large impact, that I've even lost motivation to draw at all, find very little interest in the characters/dragons, and have distanced myself from the fandom.
I've been on a hiatus from art for a few months, and I'm not sure how much longer this will continue or if I'll ever go back to fanart at all. I've ranted relentlessly about the movie, and have discussed it with a number of other people that also share the same thoughts and feelings about it. So I really don't feel nor see the need to detail every gripe I have with it here in this journal. I did bookmark a very good and lengthy Reddit post that rounds up all the issues with the ending and goes quite in depth with it, in case anyone is interested.
But on the other hand, this has also pushed me to move on and try other things. Taking a break from art is what led me to try out 3D modelling, and now I see value in utilizing both skills in conjunction. I now feel eager to Branch out to other things.
And with the franchise coming to a close, I also feel further inclined to find my place in life. I take value in these things, despite being unable to shake off the disappointment as of this writing.
So yeah! Just an update for anyone that's still around. I may or may not get to posting the few drawings I've made since my last upload. You can follow me on Instagram

www.instagram.com/miza_t11/

Cheers.

Can't believe it's almost been a year since I announced my break.. And although I don't have such a large following here, I guess I felt like posting an update anyway.

I've been battling depression these past two months; Yeah, I know, I've been going on and about it for at least a few years now, but after a few months of my emotional state deteriorating to the point where I hardly felt like doing anything (and dreaded the idea of finding a job), I finally seeked professional help and have since been taking medication for my anxiety and depression, as well as going to monthly therapy sessions. It's helped, somewhat. At least I'm a little more active now; going on morning walks and finally applied for a job recently (I got rejected ;-; ). And although I feel more calm and a little optimistic, not a day goes by where my worries get to me.

Once more, summer approaches.. And it seems that I'll yet again miss out on college. And I've yet to even figure out what it is I want to study. The original plan of moving to Colorado with my sisters is beginning to seem unlikely, and I'm beginning to question whether leaving would be a good choice at all; with how costly education is in the States, the thought of a crippling debt scaring me. Given our financial position, I'm starting to realize just how limited my choices are. I'm not sure what to do. I'm often reminded to relax a little, as I'm only 19. But the pressure of being an adult and making choices and long-term plans is really weighing me down, especially as I see others moving on with their own hopes and dreams, all the while I feel lost.

This, along with a lot of other things is really discouraging me, and detracting my interest in anything. I haven't drawn in much. I began trying out 3D modelling but eventually lost interest as well. 

I'm going through some really rough times. And I find I've kind of distanced myself from everyone, except my mom. Apologies to any friends whom might've felt neglected due to my silence. 

As for art... Sometimes I long to get back to it. But despite my free time these past several months, my motivation remains dead. Sometimes I feel like I should just give up on it. Any brief spark in interest or idea that comes up in my mind quickly vanishes. I can never get anything done, or started even. So I'm afraid that this hiatus will continue, sadly. 

I hope everyone that still watches me is doing alright though. And thanks for following me all these years. I mostly just lurk here and on Instagram

I've had this sort of love-hate relationship with art ever since I began, pretty much. On one hand I've enjoyed it so much because I simply loved to 'create', to bring my imagination to life and see it with my own eyes, to express myself. On the other hand.. For the longest time it has felt too much like a tedious task. Sketching, which is perhaps the most fundamental aspect of drawing, has often been such a chore, save for a few rare times here and there. Same goes with simply coming up with an original idea, something I've always struggled with. Exerting a bit of self-criticism upon myself, time after time i have felt that the poses I do are rather dull in nature; to simple, hardly dynamic nor full of meaning; they lack a deeper message. Most of the time I've felt like I've opted to draw similar poses and angles, in fact.

Some of you have been aware of my feelings here. And I hate to say, but sadly... I feel like art in general stresses me more than providing any sort of enjoyment or distraction from other issues.

I hardly enjoy it at all, frankly.

This is in part due to a number of reasons, such as my painstakingly slow planning/sketching process, the amount of time that it takes to complete anything, forgetting and having to relearn all of my techniques every time I start a new drawing, etc.

It really just feels like more of a chore now.

On a number of occasions now, I have tried to counter these snags by following video tips and tutorials to help me improve/sketch faster, settings goals, attempting to at least doodle or do some speed challenge, etc. But every time I eventually simply lose interest; I never keep up with it for more than a few days at most. I fail to commit to it. I even failed the goal i had set myself at the start of the year: to complete at least 1 drawing every month. I've missed 3 already.

Overall it's just discouraging, and even to some extent, depressing me. I wish I could find something at which I can excel and be truly great at while also enjoying it; but sadly art no longer seems to fit that role, despite it being pretty much the only thing I'm at least 'decent' at. I still lay too far behind plenty of other talented artists, so as to dedicate my life to drawing and hope to gain some sort of profit out of it. If I don't enjoy it, and more often than not, struggle with it, then drawing frankly seems counterproductive. I was hoping that doing commissions would cure this, but after taking 3 months to complete just one, I now feel absolutely demoralized.

Moreover, I simply just lack the imagination that I once had. I don't soar in my mind when I think about fictional characters and I struggle more than ever to even picture something worth attempting to draw. Most of the time I could just care less. Because of my consistent failure to reach my goals, I can't help but feel repulsed every time I think about drawing; something that for so long I wished i could master and do so much more with.

I can't be entirely sure whether I'm feeling like this simply due to the point that I am right now in life; finishing high school and always tormented by the fact that I just don't know what I'll pursue next. The very fact that I haven't yet made a decision eats at me all day long. I'm just going through a lot of stress and most of the time I wish I could just lay down, close my eyes and rest peacefully.

So I give up on any further attempts to reconcile and improve my drawing skills. I feel it's only contributing to my stress. I can hardly look at any art at all without feeling a tinge of jealousy for what others can so easily and passionately create; constantly reminded of what I failed to achieve. Goals seemingly forever within reach but always evading my grasp.

For now, I'm taking a break. Perhaps only for a few weeks, or months...Maybe longer. But with the upcoming big changes in life, and having to focus on more important things, this may mean that I'll possibly drop art altogether if I find no use for it. Technically I've already been on a break for 4 months now, which was the last time I sketched anything at all. Ever since then, I've only been working on things I have already sketched/worked on previously. But it doesn't seem like I'll be creating anything new any time soon.

I'll see how things turn out although I really can't promise anything. This time I really feel like art has lost it's influence on me >< I hardly feel inspired anymore.

Thanks, and I hope you understand.

Though it was technically yesterday X'D Today I just went to hang out with friends and stuff ^^

Done with the semester! Although I still have one more Calculus exam to do on the 12th (Thankfully I didn't do quite as bad as last semester, so I don't think I'll fail again). But in the meantime, classes are done! Prom's on the 16th and I'll be graduating on the 22nd ^^ sooo.... Yay for a week of free time X'D

But unfortunately, something's up with our router and/or DSL cables. We called, they're looking into it, but if a technician is required, I'll be without internet for a few days. Man this sucks x( I still have my mobile data left but it'll be so boring without music nor anyone to talk with X'D