I've had this sort of love-hate relationship with art ever since I began, pretty much. On one hand I've enjoyed it so much because I simply loved to 'create', to bring my imagination to life and see it with my own eyes, to express myself. On the other hand.. For the longest time it has felt too much like a tedious task. Sketching, which is perhaps the most fundamental aspect of drawing, has often been such a chore, save for a few rare times here and there. Same goes with simply coming up with an original idea, something I've always struggled with. Exerting a bit of self-criticism upon myself, time after time i have felt that the poses I do are rather dull in nature; to simple, hardly dynamic nor full of meaning; they lack a deeper message. Most of the time I've felt like I've opted to draw similar poses and angles, in fact.
Some of you have been aware of my feelings here. And I hate to say, but sadly... I feel like art in general stresses me more than providing any sort of enjoyment or distraction from other issues.
I hardly enjoy it at all, frankly.
This is in part due to a number of reasons, such as my painstakingly slow planning/sketching process, the amount of time that it takes to complete anything, forgetting and having to relearn all of my techniques every time I start a new drawing, etc.
It really just feels like more of a chore now.
On a number of occasions now, I have tried to counter these snags by following video tips and tutorials to help me improve/sketch faster, settings goals, attempting to at least doodle or do some speed challenge, etc. But every time I eventually simply lose interest; I never keep up with it for more than a few days at most. I fail to commit to it. I even failed the goal i had set myself at the start of the year: to complete at least 1 drawing every month. I've missed 3 already.
Overall it's just discouraging, and even to some extent, depressing me. I wish I could find something at which I can excel and be truly great at while also enjoying it; but sadly art no longer seems to fit that role, despite it being pretty much the only thing I'm at least 'decent' at. I still lay too far behind plenty of other talented artists, so as to dedicate my life to drawing and hope to gain some sort of profit out of it. If I don't enjoy it, and more often than not, struggle with it, then drawing frankly seems counterproductive. I was hoping that doing commissions would cure this, but after taking 3 months to complete just one, I now feel absolutely demoralized.
Moreover, I simply just lack the imagination that I once had. I don't soar in my mind when I think about fictional characters and I struggle more than ever to even picture something worth attempting to draw. Most of the time I could just care less. Because of my consistent failure to reach my goals, I can't help but feel repulsed every time I think about drawing; something that for so long I wished i could master and do so much more with.
I can't be entirely sure whether I'm feeling like this simply due to the point that I am right now in life; finishing high school and always tormented by the fact that I just don't know what I'll pursue next. The very fact that I haven't yet made a decision eats at me all day long. I'm just going through a lot of stress and most of the time I wish I could just lay down, close my eyes and rest peacefully.
So I give up on any further attempts to reconcile and improve my drawing skills. I feel it's only contributing to my stress. I can hardly look at any art at all without feeling a tinge of jealousy for what others can so easily and passionately create; constantly reminded of what I failed to achieve. Goals seemingly forever within reach but always evading my grasp.
For now, I'm taking a break. Perhaps only for a few weeks, or months...Maybe longer. But with the upcoming big changes in life, and having to focus on more important things, this may mean that I'll possibly drop art altogether if I find no use for it. Technically I've already been on a break for 4 months now, which was the last time I sketched anything at all. Ever since then, I've only been working on things I have already sketched/worked on previously. But it doesn't seem like I'll be creating anything new any time soon.
I'll see how things turn out although I really can't promise anything. This time I really feel like art has lost it's influence on me >< I hardly feel inspired anymore.
Thanks, and I hope you understand.